The Quaker Oats Man Says He Wants To Retire Too

887087Take this job and shove it! Says The Quaker Oats Man

The Quaker Oats man is ready to call it quits. After seeing longtime friends Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben “retire” from advertising, the kindly Quaker says he wants out too. He made a statement at a recent press conference:

“I’m happy for Aunty Jem and Unc Ben. I really am. As a Quaker, I’ve been an ally since 1790 so I’m glad they’re no longer being exploited. I’m being exploited too though. PepsiCo bought us in 2001. Do you think Pepsi has any of my principles? I said then Pepsi stands for Poisonous Evil Produced by Satan & Ingested. They’ve been pimping me for almost 20 years to sell diabetes in a can and I’m sick of it. They can miss me with all of the “charitable contributions”. They need to stop contributing to obesity, diabetes and rotten teeth. I don’t know how I’m gonna get out of this. Back in 1940 I went to a Halloween party dressed in Blackface as the Cream of Wheat guy but PepsiCo has buried all evidence of that. I had an illegitimate child with Mrs. Buttersworth and paid for an abortion after a one night stand with Sara Lee but that stuff isn’t seen as scandalous anymore. When I took the job back in 1877, none of that would fly but ya’ll ain’t got no morals anymore….no kinda code.

It looks like I’m gonna be slinging oatmeal for a while unless I can find and release that video of me and Kanye singing Gold Digger. Kanye said I could say it. I’m still an ally, I just thought it would be weak to sing “But she ain’t messin’ with no broke broke….” Saying the N-word only once since the 1800’s is pretty fly for a White guy. I’m hoping the tape is released and enough to get me canceled because cuz I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I wanna retire. I can’t wait to be on a boat in the Caribbean and yell ‘Looking good Uncle Ben’ and for him to yell back ‘Feeling good Quaker man’ from the shore. That’s how I want to kick it”

Author: John Moody

John B. Moody is a comedic performer, writer, and Executive Publisher of The Urban Beet. He is also hosts the Dear John Podcast. Please send questions, comments or marriage proposals to the email address he provided when you met.