Five Days Into 2020 67% Of The Nation Has Given Up On New Year Resolutions

Not even a week into the 2020, 67% of the people who made New Year resolutions have given up on them.

One uninspired man told The Urban Beet “I said that I would join a gym, start working out and turn my puffs into pecs but I couldn’t find a parking space close enough to the gym so I said to hell with it.”

Rosie Lee Barnett said her resolution was to cook healthier meals for her children. “It sounded good at first but cooking healthy takes so much time, I don’t think God intended for us to do it. It’s unnatural. I opened up a couple cans of Spaghetti O’s, cut up a few Slim Jim’s and told them to have at it. I even baked some Pop Tarts in the toaster for a nice little dessert.”

Some have managed to stick to their resolutions. Twins He’Shawn & She’Shawn Jefferson made resolutions to to stop using their full first names in public. “We both go by ‘Shawn.’ It’s confusing for everyone else but takes less time to explain what kind of new crack our parents were using when they decided to give us those name.

Author: John Moody

John B. Moody is a comedic performer, writer, and Executive Publisher of The Urban Beet. He is also hosts the Dear John Podcast. Please send questions, comments or marriage proposals to the email address he provided when you met.